Will I ever learn

Posted on September 28, 2010. Filed under: Me, Myself, and I | Tags: , , , , , |

Will I ever learn that he will not change.

Will I ever learn that all the things I do are unappreciated, he only cares about control.

Will I ever learn that he can’t self reflect.

Will I ever learn that he is who he is and I should just be thankful that his influence on my life is not what it used to be.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

The serenity prayer is a complete reflection of what I must remember when dealing with him.

I have the courage, that has been proven.

I have gained the wisdom- more than I wish.

Serenity and strength will beat out stupidity every time.

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No more long emails

Posted on August 16, 2010. Filed under: Me, Myself, and I | Tags: , , , , , |

Ok I am going to have a rare venting session.

I don’t like to do this too often as I want to close this door on my life and there are so many happier things to focus on, but tonight it a night to vent.

To protect the idiots I will not be as direct as I should…if they were ever to read this they will know who they are.

So here is my rant:

1. I do not need long emails. When I open up my email and see an email that requires me to scroll and scroll and scroll I do not smile. If these emails were productive or on “important” topics they might be ok, but they aren’t. So please this is not a novel-writing contest and we especially don’t need more than one a day.

2. I know you. I know you do not write these emails. Remember you only know how to TYPE IN ALL CAPS. I have seen emails from you, these are not from you. So again they are long and they are not you, so please. I can’t believe I am saying this but I would enjoy seeing an email in ALL CAPS. Cause it would be short as you hunt and peck you way to the words.

3. You need to look in the mirror. You have no self-reflection. None. None. None. You demand, yes demand things of me that you have never done yourself. That might have worked at one point but it doesn’t anymore. So write in ALL CAPS and look in the MIRROR. If you did so then the emails would never exist in the first place.

4. I will not let you control me, my moods, my life, or my happiness. I have let your black cloud control my life for too long. It doesn’t have that power anymore. Sometimes it might make a moment gray but only for a fleeting moment. The energy set forth in your emails do not have the same effect. My life and my happiness is my own.

5. I feel sorry for you. Yes as much as I wish I didn’t, I do. You are sad, your life is sad. However, you make your life what it is. I don’t see that every changing which is too bad.

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And the Award goes to

Posted on August 9, 2010. Filed under: Awards, Me, Myself, and I | Tags: , , , , , , , , , |

Wow does this award hit home…I am all over the place with my blog topics or in a positive note “versatile”. Adventures with 3 Girls bestowed this award on me and you should definitely go check her out. She is a LA mom with 3 girls who loves being green. Every Thursday she has a new green post!

According to the rules I am supposed to tell you 7 things you don’t know about me. I guess it should be 7 things you want to know about me too…but no promises.

1. I have an addiction to reality TV. I just can’t look away…Kardashdians, Housewives, Big Brother…you name it, it is probably sitting on my DVR waiting for a night when TB has to work late and I can catch-up.

2. I love to cook. I absolutely love it…I am always looking for something new to try. Our schedule sometimes makes it hard to cook lots of meals…but now with MB here full-time, school starting, and lots of new friends I think there will be plenty of opportunities for me to try new stuff and cook more. Excited about that.

3. I never liked running till I started the couch to 5K in my 30’s and now I am addicted. Only have done 5Ks so far but thinking of going further this season..how far is still to be determined.

4. I am the survivor of a horrible 3 year divorce/custody battle. Where I learned how dubbed I had been in marriage. But that is all behind me and I have a beautiful future ahead with my love bugs.

5. I usually check on my daughter about 5 times before going to bed. Love watching her sleep.

6. I fall asleep with the TV on…love sleep timers.

7. I have been to Africa, Bali, Japan, Thailand…and on and on. I love to travel and was blessed with a family and job that gave me so many great opportunities.

Whoops updating the post as I forgot to pass the award on….the award goes to The Adventures of Chip and Bob. One of my favorite reads! Check out their adventures.

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The day is finally here

Posted on August 4, 2010. Filed under: Me, Myself, and I | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |

To my little princess.

Your mommy has been looking forward to tomorrow for 3 long years. I can’t even begin to explain the feelings of happiness, contentment, and relief that I am feeling.

For the past 3 years your mommy has had to learn how to be away from you for 2 weeks at a time. To not be a part of every minute of your life. It has been hard. So hard. I have missed you from the moment you said good-bye on the airplane to the minute you landed back in my arms. I have had to learn to let so much go. There have been times when it has just been too much. But I have had to be strong for you. I have had to protect you and your innocence. I have done the best that I could. Sometimes I have not been able to protect you from others and for that I am sorry but we will work through that together and someday it will all be a memory.

But tomorrow is the day my world becomes right again. I no longer will have to go 2 weeks without you. We no longer will have to have that crazy back and forth life. We will have a more normal schedule. You will have settled life. No more 2 schools & 2 schedules, no more flying 2 weekends a month, no more disruptions.

I have waited and dreamed of this day for so long…it is what has kept me going when things have gotten bad. I have heard it in your voice on the phone as you count down the days till you come home. The countdown is over sweetie.

So much has changed in the last 3 years. I am amazed at how you have grown and what an amazing little girl you are. You are so resilient and going to continue to grow into such a wonderful person.

It is now just not you and I, we have TB. We are rebuilding our family. We have made a fresh start at life in AZ and already have made good friends and are building our community. You are starting Kindergarten. It is going to be an amazing year.

I love you with all of my heart little one and tomorrow is going to be one of the happiest days of my life.

p.s. your doggies are ready for snuggles too. The books are from me and the Camelback and hiking socks are from best buddy. “You must always be hydrated in the desert”

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Cloudy with a Chance of Crazy

Posted on July 14, 2010. Filed under: Me, Myself, and I | Tags: , , , , , , , |

Well I am falling down on the blog this week as I continue trying to come to an “revised” agreement with my ex. I will leave it at that, unfortunately while I find other blogs a great place where people are able to journal their lives and find support this is one topic I don’t feel “safe” talking about.

So while I won’t talk details…I will say that no matter what this is one of the most stressful things in life a parent can endure. Fortunately I am no longer in this alone and TB is nothing less than wonderful. My mom is right there every step of the way as well. All stressed but all dealing with it differently. Everyone knows “emotionally eating”. We could be a commercial for it this week.  Day 1: TB barely eats, I bounce between no eating and comfort food, Mom craves sweets. Day 2: Today we spent with MB so balancing out the stress and its a normal food day. Day 3: TB barely eats till the day is done (and crazy came to town), I am able to eat slightly during the day but not at the end of the day as the decision factor is just too much. So what will tomorrow bring….I guess the one thing I know for sure we will be picking up food of some sort as soon as we get MB tomorrow.  Not a diet plan I would recommend to anyone…but I know the scale will make me proud on Monday.

I also continue to realize that true friendship and family know no distance. A support network doesn’t need to be “there” to be present. I have amazing friends/family that are there. They might be in Texas, Kentucky, Florida, the Caribbean, and a number of other states but their hearts, minds, and thoughts are here with me. The strength one can pull from that ever-present support is wonderful. I am so lucky.

Looking forward to happier posts this weekend….we are heading to see family and I can think of nothing I would rather do now then have fun and play with 4 kids under 6. Their innocence and look on life is what I need right now.

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Enough is enough

Posted on July 11, 2010. Filed under: Me, Myself, and I | Tags: , , , , , |

Today is not my best day. I am heading off once again to deal with my ex. My support network is flying in to be there with me, but these visits are never fun. Instead of getting to enjoy them it is stress filled- debating, trying to figure out what is going on, trying to reason things out,determining the right next steps. Add to that the stress I am feeling plus constant worry and concern – I am on edge and snappy, making me a joy. Doesn’t that just sound like a fun family visit. I think you can sum it up with TB’s comment– I took you to Kauai on vacation, you bring me here”…followed by a smile. Gotta love my man!

Hopefully the resolution will be good and Tuesday is our break day so I am just looking forward to enjoying the day with my mom and my girl. That is enough to get me through the next 24 hours…that and a little ice cream.

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Digging through dirt

Posted on July 7, 2010. Filed under: Me, Myself, and I | Tags: , , , , , |

I am sleepy but can’t go to bed. What a day. I have spent the day plowing through lots and lots of data, listening to tapes, watching videos. Playing back lots and lots of memories and moments I would rather forget. I balanced out the stress with a good hard swim in the pool and getting my hair done. Always feels good to get your hair done. Even better to have someone wonderful to come back to that could give a big support squeeze.

Now I am done digging through the dirt for the day and sitting down to watch “Pretty Little Liars”…I am getting sucked in to this show…with my luck it will get cancelled right when I am hooked. That happened to me with Lipstick Jungle. But I would rather be climbing into bed….but I can’t.

I can’t cause the boys are in their working right now installing a new one. One that can be seen without having to peer through the rails of the foot-board. I am so excited…and this is just the first step of the TV project. Stay tuned for photos…think college football while sitting in the pool!

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The night guard is in

Posted on July 6, 2010. Filed under: Me, Myself, and I | Tags: , , , , , |

Today was a whammy of a day. First day back to work after a wonderful vacation…never easy. On the agenda was also getting fitted for a night guard. A lovely new addition to my bedtime regime thanks to the added stress my ex has brought into my life. If the lawyer bills, constant battling, worrying, and sleepless night weren’t enough now I get headaches from grinding my teeth at night. So each night I get to put in this sexy little night guard and hope it corrects the problem. The dentist said if I can reduce the stress it should go away in 6mths… I think I will be wearing the night guard for quite a while, but a girl can dream.

For now I am going to google night guard and dogs as the dentist said if I had a dog I needed to be very careful with the night guard. One of the materials used to make the guard is really enticing to dogs and they will seek it out and chew it to shreds. For now we have no dog..but I have to admit I am curious what is in this guard that I will wear while I sleep each night that attracts and excites dogs. It also raises the question if we get a dog soon….will I have to lock the doors at night to keep from getting attacked???

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Tropical Depression- Sticky Tuesday

Posted on July 6, 2010. Filed under: Post-it Tuesday | Tags: , , , , , , |

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Intention for your practice

Posted on June 17, 2010. Filed under: Me, Myself, and I | Tags: , , , , , |

So today’s yoga practice instead of giving us a focus as we began our practice the instructor told us to choose our intention for the day. The purpose and focus of our practice for the day. Courage? Strength? Understanding? You choose.

I must admit in that minute where I was to choose my intention I was stumped. So found myself drifting back to that thought during the practice. When I wasn’t focused on making sure I was still breathing or falling over.

I have done yoga on and off since I graduated from college, but since we moved to Scottsdale it has been a regular part of my routine. I do it for many reasons. I love the focus on the body, breathing through the stretches, flowing with your breathe. But most of all I love the way I feel when I am done. I feel relaxed, at peace, and my body feels just incredible. At times it might be sore but a good sore where it feels longer, more spacious. Able to handle what the everyday world has in store for me. I also love that it has become a family activity. We all take part in classes and while we haven’t been able to make it work with the schedule yet will soon be taking a family yoga class together– I can’t wait to do poses together, bringing the 3 of us together as 1.

Yet if I wanted to focus on an intention for the day- one that I would focus on on the mat and off- what would that be. As we left the class our instructor again reminded us to take that intention we focused our practice on and continue to focus on that off the mat. So as I drove away- feeling incredible after a strong flow practice I kept thinking about my intention.

Too late for today’s practice but for the next practice my intention is going to be Courage & Confidence. For those who know me they might find that an odd intention. But the last few years have been really difficult on my inner psyche. The battles of divorce (& custody) can do that to even the strongest person. While that chapter is not fully over, a new better chapter as begun with my lovebugs. So now as life moves forward with such much promise I need to focus on bringing back the courage and confidence that resides in me.  So that is my intention and my focus…for now.

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